A peek inside.

I used to be able to write as a way of venting. I would sit down and all of my thoughts and feelings would just shoot out my fingertips and translate themselves into wonderful pieces of writing. These past few months, however, I have not been able to do this. So forgive me if this is poorly written and all jumbled...


For only being 23, I feel as though I have already gained quite a bit of life experience. While some of it these experiences are un-wanted, I am greatful for having those oppurtunities to learn from my mistakes and take some pretty big steps forward in my journey. It seems as though these last two years are a huge, tangled mess in my memory. I try and remember how I was feeling or what I was thinking, but all I see are blank canvases. I am thinking I may have been on auto-pilot. I wish there were words that could perfectly explain my thoughts and feelings right now, but all I can come up with is numb and emotionless. Although the numbness is much more preferred than the terrible gut wrenching pain I was feeling about a month ago, it is a little bit scary to have no emotions. The feeling of loneliness combined with the others, is a deadly mixture. My heart is constantly aching; no matter how tough I try to be, there is no masking the face of someones heartbreak. I look in the mirror and can only see ghosts; my smile is the ghost of a happier time, my eyes are the visions of my past ghosts, and my expression is the ghost of who I used to be. There are times I do not even recognize who I am anymore, there is a whole new (much less positive) spin on the old saying 'walking with your head in the clouds'. For some reason that saying always had sort of a happy ring to it, but in my current scenario it is a lot more dull. By emotionless, I mean in all aspects, I find myself not sympathizing with Sophie as much as I used to, and I hate that he makes me treat her like that. I am her mother, I am suppose to be nurturing and comforting. But since I don't have any of that in my life right now it is hard for me to deliver that to her. I used to be able to comfort her whenever she cried, but now it is like she can feel that I am cold and distant and no matter how hard I try, she doesn't respond to my pathetic attempts at being a nurturing parent. I hate that he makes me this crappy of a parent, I hate that he doesn't seem to care how is actions are affecting my parenting. I hate that someone was able to effect me in these ways, before him I could care less if someone didn't want me. But I guess it is a lot different when you give up so much for a person; and sacrifice things and people, who would have at one point in time taken bullets for you, and it is so easy for them to drop you to the curb with no regrets or no sense of sorrow. I think back to 2 and a half years ago, RIGHT before we met and I was traveling down a hopeless path but I was real, and I was honest and true. Now, my path seems just as hopeless but I have been living someones elses idea of a perfect life. I was morphing into someone I was not, someone I would never have wished to be. I know it is right for us to be apart, but I just wish there were more to what I was left with. I have nothing to live off of, aside from my parents. Which as greatful I truely am, isn't good enough for me. My biggest hope for myself 5 years ago, was to always be self-sufficient and dependable. It is so hard for me to look back on what I wanted from life, then returning to my actual current life and seeing no similarities of the two. Of course I wanted kids, but not alone.
It deeply saddens me to know that this will more then likely be my last pregnancy, and I am doing it all alone with no one to care but me. I have no one to share the baby's movements with, no one to tell about how crazy she is inside of me, no one to ask for a foot rub or to fulfill my midnight cravings. Pregnancy is suppose to be such a happy time of TWO peoples lives, but he isn't happy which in turn, makes me not happy. I feel so bad for my little baby inside of me, she will never have a chance at a normal family life, she will never even get to look at pictures from the first year of her life and see pictures of her with her mom and dad. And Sophie is already so confused and it kills me to see that look in her eye when he comes to see her then leaves. It is almost like for that short period of time that the three of us are all together, she is whole again. But when he goes to leave, you can tell she is just so hurt and disappointed.

I guess my only option is to just suck it up, it is SO hard to pull it together for my babies, but I do. And thus far, I think I am doing a pretty good job. There are days I feel like giving up though, there are days when every breath of air is like making a deal with the devil; because I know that that one breath will only get me as far as the next. Nothing is certain anymore, who knows where I will be in a week, month, year, decade...but my only option is to hold on and keep persevering. The road ahead is bumpy and grey right now, and it is so hard for me to picture myself happy and healthy. Right now I couldn't even tell you who I am, I gave up so much of myself to my marriage that I am having a hard time finding my new identity. Aside from the sacrifices, I have changed a lot as well. I am now a mother of TWO kids, how do I add this into the mix? How do I balance a healthy social life while still being the best parent I can be? Am I allowed to take some of my old traits as a single woman and mix them in with my new traits as a mother? I know what I DO NOT want to become, and that is a bad parent. I know to always put my girls first and myself last, but I do not know what goes in between. When do I carry on with life? All of these questions answers are infinite, and none of them will ever be able to define what my life is or will ever be. But I guess the real question is; Will this ever really, TRUELY be okay?

To new beginnings.

So as those of you have been here before might have noticed my blog has changed direction, a lot like my life. Now, I cannot say for sure why these changes have happened but I can tell you that everything is okay. I have got big plans for my future, including bringing another beautiful girl into this world come December. It is amazing how a new life can do so much for your soul. I often wonder what would be happening in my life right now if it weren't for my precious Sophie? And quite honestly, the possible answers frighten me terribly. I am so glad that I took this path, and I will never in all of my life regret my decisions. Kahil and I didn't work, a lot of people probably put money that, but if I were to go back and have a choice to do it again I would. Sophie has given me new meaning and purpose. It is funny to think that just two short years ago it was Kahil I was saying all of this about, and I still feel that way. As confused and unsure as I am about the decisions he is making, I love that man and always will.

Now on a brighter note, Sophie is fabulous. She is walking, running, dancing, talking, singing and just all around growing-up. She loves books and she loves music. She is going to be a lot like me I think, and I am okay with that! She has an obsession with fuzzy sweaters right now, which isn't really the best timing with the 100 degree weather that we have been having. But she has a mind of her own and I love that. I will always encourage my children to take their owns paths and be individuals. The only expectations I have for them is to be honest, humble, polite individuals. I will always support their decisions and encourage them to push themselves. I have so many wonderful plans for us and I cannot wait until I am able to start putting them into action. Now I feel very confident in saying that this new little girl is going to be quite active! She is constantly moving around and she is very strong. We had a 4D ultrasound and got a little preview of what she will look like, and I think she will look a lot like Sophie, but I think she is going to look a lot more like Kahil than myself. I cannot wait to meet her, however, I take pity on her. Her big sister is quite a handful and she is used to having 100% of mommy's attention, especially these past few months. But I will pray that Sophie makes a healthy adjustment and accepts her warmly. I am glad to be back and will do my best to keep everyone updated. :)